Photo by Natalia Sobolivska | Unsplash
Do you have that kind of friend who consistently gets you, hypes you up, and bravely defends you no matter what? Do you have that kind of Grandma who consistently cooks for you, brings different sorts of stuff to you, and takes care of you whenever you’re not feeling well? If yes, and yes, that sounds great! But how about the kind of person who consistently dislikes, spites, or disrespects you for no reason? Strangely, that’s a consistency too. Consistency is essential in sustaining friendships, relationships, and other connections. But knowing the kind of consistency that matters and maintaining a mutual exchange of consistent efforts would be far more beneficial to protect your consistent loved ones or even yourself—if you happen to be a “consistent one” within a relationship, friendship, or other connection.
A. Consistency in Relationships
There are different ways of expressing consistency in relationships. And the one who expresses them may come from different walks of life. It may be shown individually, like by—a parent, a grandparent, a daughter, a teenage son, or a friend. Or it may be expressed by a group or through a shared community, like—a family, a school, a team, an organization, a workplace, etc.
Below are cases that depict different expressions of consistencies in relationships:
1. Grandmother’s consistency with love, care, and thoughtfulness, and Granddaughter’s consistency with love, care, and thoughtfulness.
When did you last eat something warm and hearty—not an instant meal nor another store-bought frozen goods? Well, it’s your lucky day! And admit it. You can’t wait to hear that familiar knock on the door! Remember, when you were a little kid, your Grandma always made you scrumptious cookies, savory chicken dishes, and the certified family all-time favorite: “Grandma’s signature apple pie”? Fast forward, she’s still committed to cooking for you. Whenever she gets a call that you’re not feeling well, she consistently brings you your favorite comfort food, fresh fruits, large portions of baked goods, and salads in giant lock-lid containers. Your Grandma even occasionally brings you a knitted shawl, a beanie, or a pair of gloves—all handmade. Sometimes, you wonder if her eyes are still okay because she continues to bring you colorful, sparkly hair clips, bows, and accessories. Though deep inside, you understand why. When you were in preschool, you used to tug the sleeve of your Grandma so that you could bring one home. But now you’re over them as a fully grown adult. Who would have thought those tiny, lovely gifts would someday become a slight pet peeve? Oddly, however, you catch yourself doing peculiarly similar things to the rest of your loved ones—like bringing cooked meals and making personalized gifts for everyone every Thanksgiving. Most of the time, you seem cool, calm, and collected. But when your Grandma’s not feeling well, you become the very opposite—if you have to cook and pack a month-long meal, buy tons of fruits for an entire month, and carry almost all the objects your hands can take hold of (even the moon and the stars, if you could) bring them right at your Grandma’s doorstep as a humble offering—you would! Now you know what your Grandma feels like whenever you’re sick, and she’s far away from you. You don’t feel like resting or sleeping without knowing that she’s already healthy and safe or, at the very least, someone is there to take care of her. Thanks to your high-quality care, generous time, and other incredible efforts, you got to nurse her back to health quickly. She’s so strong and healthy that she is standing right by your door again. Wait. Did you hear that? I thought I just heard a knock.
Warm regards, and get well soon!
2. Ex-Besties’s consistency with genuineness, loyalty, and care
You grew up together—same neighborhood, same school, and same friend circles. You like doing things together. Hanging out in your secret place, telling scary stories, watching movies together, and trying fresh dance trends together—all the fun stuff! When you’re upset, tearful, and confused—your Bestie comes flying wherever you are in a heartbeat. She’s always there for you. But now—she’s gone. To avoid confronting your fear straight in the eye, you choose to convince yourself every night that her absence (or more like a “permanent retreat”) only means that “she’s just like everyone else.” Everyone who throws you under the bus. Everyone who doesn’t care about how you feel. Everyone who doesn’t understand you at all. And everyone that comes into your life leaves you out in the cold. Without a doubt, “she’s just like them,” right? But first of all, what do you mean by the word: “everyone”? Everyone—who turned their back on you without getting your side of the story. Everyone—who spreads false rumors about you like wildfire and turns dead silent whenever you enter the room. Everyone—who was easily manipulated by that one painfully jealous person who talks over you, stirs all kinds of drama, weaves all of the fabricated stories, and uses other people as their personal, unwilling “pain reliever.” All of them, all together, involve everyone—who was “not there” and “never there” for you. Now, let’s talk about your long-time Bestie. How did you come up with the conclusion that “she’s just like everyone else”? If you’re ready to be fair, you might remember that despite all the rumors, the outnumbering, the backstabbing, and all kinds of drama going on—the entire time, your Bestie stood up for you, with you, and by you. She consistently explained your side of the story. She didn’t mind the drawback and fearlessly faced any consequence of clearly taking a stand favorable to you. But you succumb to bitterness, dignified with the “The-entire-world-is-always-against-me” internal narrative. You decided to leave her with that “nothing-close-to-a-friend-like-circle”—all by herself. The fact that she chose you over them, and you’re no longer there, she became the next “pain reliever” for popping. But she took them all in—all by herself. Sadly, she had no one there. Knowing that no one would come to her aid, she finally decided to move on and leave, not only the circle where you also left—but also you, who left her there. Back then, it might be difficult to honestly, clearly, and fairly tell who was consistently there, not there, and never there for you, how things went down, and what the issue truthfully was.
But how about now, would you still believe that—”She’s just like everyone else”?
3. Family’s consistency with compassion, support, and care
You’re looking outside the open window of the fast-moving car. You weren’t thrilled when your parents told you that your family would be moving out miles away from your childhood friends and preschool classmates. You love the familiar small town, tiny peers, and little adventures. Now everything is new, even you. For them, you’re the new kid on the block—in the neighborhood and school. As the new kid, you find it hard to understand why they were mean to you. In the new neighborhood, you only want to enjoy your ice cream; someone on a bike pushes you so hard that it falls off your hand. Then the bikers took off laughing, showing no remorse but only pride. You only want to sit quietly in the park, and a ball hits your head. And one boy picks up the ball. Without leaving any apology, the boy walks away with friends like nothing happened at all. And when it comes to your school, it’s not much of a different story. You want to eat peacefully during lunchtime, but a student drops dirt on your lunch and can’t eat anymore. You want to sit quietly in a corner of the classroom, and your classmate throws a book, hitting your head and making everyone burst out laughing. You want to make friends. And a classmate has agreed but says that he would test you first. After that so-called “test,” you get into big trouble with the administrator. Upon reaching home, you’re shocked to learn that your parents received a call from the school. Surprised, clueless, and worried, your parents sat you down about it. You can’t speak. You can’t cry. You’re just there. Your family was concerned about the news. And as days pass by, your family is getting more concerned with the sudden changes in your behavior. You become more and more guarded, edgy, and aloof. You don’t tell them what you’re going through; you only tell them what you want to happen—”Let’s go back to our old home!” But they said your family barely survived financially in your old home. And now, they can buy you toys and gadgets, help you have access to places for you to enjoy, and give you more choices when it comes to the food you like. Your parents, given their limitations, especially with time, still try their best to offer you more than the material things, hoping these can help restore your vibrant disposition. As you’re still isolated, unloved, and senselessly hated—outside your new home, you’re still being supported, loved, and deeply cared for—in your new home.
How about trusting the people who genuinely care about you and letting them know what’s happening?
4. Wife’s consistency with resilience, independence, and understanding
Doing the laundry, grocery shopping, and keeping your house squeaky clean—you’ve got this. Prepping lunchboxes early in the morning, waking up your children for school, dropping them off, and picking them up after school— you’ve got this. Carrying heavy objects, fixing the leaking pipes, and repairing the car— you’ve got this. Doing three jobs every weekday, making side hustles even on the weekends, and stressing over the bills at the end of the month—you’ve got this! How about an idle, drinking, and unemployed hubby—of course—you’ve also got this. We get it—you’re a consistently independent, practical, and understanding woman, mother, and wife—all in one body. But I am just curious: do you really have to do these things all by yourself? If yes, why? Indeed, no one can doubt your resilience, independence, and capabilities. It’s also nice to know you’re a steady, hard worker, a responsible mother, and an understanding wife. But have you ever thought of a day you might end up burned out? Or, for some unforeseen circumstance, you might not be able, capable, or available to tick any entry out of your jampacked list of duties. And if ever, who do you think will likely volunteer and boldly say, “I got this.” on your behalf—to ensure that nothing will be left hanging until you are able, capable, or available to return? Probably, we were not expecting any “I-got-this” covered duty from the kids. If you’re not very concerned about your own needs, like having downtime or making time for yourself, or if you find it challenging to accept help or any form of assistance from others for any other reason, it’s understandable. But how about the kids? Because the kids would most likely suffer firsthand if nobody cares to assume the giant shoes to fill in. Maybe this might help you feel a bit concerned and slowly open yourself up to receiving help and assistance from others. How you feel about the kids might help you prepare for whatever might happen in the future. And if you ever change your mind about receiving for the sake of the kids, you might save your body from reaching its breaking point early on. Nevertheless, know that no one will lose sight of the fact—that you’ve always been, have always been, and will always be someone who can back it up.
Without a doubt—you’ve got this!
5. Teen’s consistency with caring for people outside the home, despite not receiving any from inside the home
Again, you’re coming home with a hefty backpack, draggy footsteps, and a heavy heart. You’re happy during weekdays because you can be with your best friend, teacher, coach, and teammates. However, you dread every weekend because you can only hear raised voices, loud crying, and violent exchanges piercing through the roof and even behind and across closed doors when you’re at home. Every breakfast, you secretly wish everyone could finish their food peacefully, not anyone getting frustrated, throwing a fit, and leaving the table unfinished. You secretly wish everyone could eat quietly every dinner, not for anyone to pick up a fight and ruin everyone’s appetite. Every weekend, you secretly wish for time to move quicker so that you can go to school and feel safe, secure, and at peace again, not for time to move too slowly, giving you two long, grueling days filled with repeated agitation, raging emotions, and emotionally disturbing chaos. In contrast, however, you willingly choose to see a light at the end of every tunnel. Knowing that when a weekend ends and when the school week begins, you are guaranteed another nine to ten (9–10) hours every school day, that’s forty-five to fifty (45–50) hours in a week—of an opportunity to be happy and be at peace, be surrounded with happy people, and, most importantly, live outside fear and tension. You’re a consistently empathetic best friend, a consistently steadfast student, a consistently committed trainee, and a consistently collaborative teammate in school. You continuously share these with your reliable and caring best friend—your kind and infinitely understanding teacher—and your loyal, ever-supportive coach and teammates. The inspiration they bring is your well-earned and well-deserved reward for your consistent strength and bravery to outwit every dreaded weekend.
Keep surviving. Keep thriving!
B. How to Spot Consistency in Relationships
Spotting consistency in relationships will be easy if we already know where, how, and what to look at. But first, it would be best to eliminate distractions concerning “consistency in relationships.”
1. Who’s Not There and Never There
Being “not there” already implies inconsistency. “Not there” used to be “there” before. But, for some reason, it’s “not there” anymore. Just like “someone who’s not there,” implies that you see someone there for you before, and then suddenly, they’re not there for you anymore. In the second case, the person experienced people who turned their backs on her without hearing her out first, isolating her and spreading gossip about her after being receptive to another person’s manipulations.
With “never there,” consistency won’t begin from something that was “never there” in the first place. For instance, “someone who’s never there” is like that jealous person who’s divisive, irrational, and toxic. Other examples showing people “who were never there” in the scenarios were those children in the neighborhood and school in the third case. Nevertheless, whether a person is “not there” or “never there” for someone, both lack the interest in establishing any form of consistency in a relationship. And this lack of interest is confirmed by a betrayal and another by overt hostility.
How about a bit of exercise? Imagine if you were asked to exchange twenty (20) people—consisting of those who weren’t there and were never there for you—with only one (1) person, but that person would come from the people who have always been there for you, giving you genuine love, support, and protection? Will that sound like a good deal or more like an unmistakable nightmare?
What if this happened in real life, like to the loyal ex-best friend in the second case, where that one consistent ex-best friend decided to withdraw support, nurturing, and help with the person? Was the pain of losing that one consistent ex-best friend anything comparable to—losing one of or, better yet, all the people who have not been there and have never been there for you—altogether? Feelings-wise, one would sting, while the other would be more like a relief.
The point is to refrain from giving too much valuable time, energy, and attention to distractions—people who are not and never there for you. Or, better yet, repurpose your “valuables” toward the consistently deserving people who will stop at nothing just to come to your defense, genuinely care about you, and contribute to your overall well-being. They are people who are meant to stay in your life—for good.
2. Consistent in Relationships: Who’s always there and still there
Speaking of “deserving people,” a person who’s present, through life’s ups and downs, and works for the shared connection to last deserves the time, energy, and attention from the other party that benefits from these consistent efforts.
In the third case, unfortunately, “the new kid on the block” was welcomed with cold-hearted actions by some children in the neighborhood and the school. The good thing about the situation is that the child has his family’s support. Without their steady and stable support, the child would be alone as there’s no available support from the outside. It’s also beneficial that the child belongs to a family that patiently assists him through this transition and waits for him to open up.
In the fifth case, regrettably, the teen doesn’t have the privilege of having a nurturing, loving, and safe household. But the teen proves himself to be wise beyond his years. Given his limitations, he still finds other means to gain inspiration to survive, willingly showing up for himself daily and for others as a consistently empathic, committed, and collaborative person to always survive another weekly household ordeal. The teen embodies the idea that one can still willingly give consistency in relationships even outside the household, even if, at the moment, he is still not yet in a situation where he can receive one from inside of it. Given that the teen has limited options, especially materially and financially, he’s coerced to remain patient in the current unhealthy household setup—something that no person in the world deserves to go through. But once the teen gets the chance to gain physical, material, and financial independence later in his life, he can choose the kind of environment and people he would want to share his space with.
However, some limitations aren’t physical, material, or financial—but somewhat preferential. Like in the fourth case, the person willingly assumes consistency as a woman, a mother, and a wife without assistance from other people who benefit from her efforts. Children weren’t yet expected this effort to give and reciprocate, given that they’re still learning and honing the conditions on how to survive in life. But when the children get to the point where they become mentally equipped, physically strong, and materially stable and secure enough to be able to give back to their consistent mother—they are capably free to do so.
Talking about “giving back,” in the first scenario, the Granddaughter reached a point where she has already developed the conditions to return consistent efforts. By that, the Grandma was assisted back to health and was enabled to repay the efforts to the Granddaughter when the latter happened to get sick again. The other good thing about the situation is that the Granddaughter still has that chance to consistently give back to her Grandma since the Grandma is still healthy and alive to be receptive to all of her efforts.
But what if it’s already too late to give back when the intended recipient of consistency isn’t there anymore?
3. Consistent in Relationships: Who used to be always there but not there anymore
The passing of a loved one doesn’t have to be the sole reason for being unable to give back consistent efforts in relationships, although it could be. But sometimes, it’s also when a person who used to be there for you consistently has suddenly or decisively left the friendship, the relationship, or whatever shared connection you have for good.
Like in the second case, sadly, the best friend decided to sever ties with the person after experiencing a lack of consistency about “being there.” Despite all the unfairness perpetrated by other people—the best friend stood up for her, tried to rectify the wrong impressions about her, and fearlessly faced any repercussions—all for being consistently there for her. But the person, not seeing things clearly, dismissed all people as “just like everyone else” and eventually treated even that one last person who fought for her as she treated all the people who betrayed her and got hostile toward her. The person left them altogether, which eventually led to the ex-best friend’s decision to walk away, not just from them but also from her, for her failure to reciprocate the consistency of “being there.”
But what is left to do if this can’t be undone?
C. How to Keep Consistency in Relationships
It’s easy to lose track of people we still have when we mourn the loss of other vital connections.
Especially when emotions are at an all-time high and a surge of “what ifs” rushes in, you might drown in them while you jam along the infinite rhythm of a clouded judgment that—you are all alone. Whatever lesson we can pick up from the ruins of a missed exceptional and consistency-worthy connection, that lesson may serve as an opportunity for the growth of the individual. But, more importantly, it might greatly help us gain a more profound appreciation for and ways of safeguarding and preserving our still existing, consistent relationships.
1. Losing Consistent People
If you can relate to experiencing the loss of one or more consistent people in your life for being unable to return what they genuinely deserve, don’t be too hard on yourself. Understand that at whatever point you were in when that happened, you haven’t seen things as clearly—as you do now. No one can go beyond what they already know. And we learn as we go. The important thing about the entire experience is that we already know and can act accordingly to prevent it from happening again.
You may also see it this way. How would you react if any of that happened to your loved ones? What if they fell into that same trap of being unable to distinguish between people who care and don’t care about them, fail to reciprocate, and lose a valuable connection? Would you beat your loved one with harsh words for their apparent lack of foresight? Most likely not.
What applies to anyone you love also applies to you. If you can be forgiving and sympathetic toward another person, you can also be forgiving and sympathetic toward yourself.
No double standards, okay? Hugs.
2. Consistent in Relationships: Who’s always there and still there
Just like the deeds of the mother in the fourth case, the teen in the fifth case, and the grandmother and granddaughter in the first case, these actions exemplify what it means to be “a giver” of consistency in relationships. Since these people consistently give, they are worthy of consistently receiving in their respective relationships.
However, some recipients of consistencies are still learning and developing the conditions—physically, mentally, materially, and financially—that will make them capable of reciprocating consistency in relationships in the future.
In the fourth case, the children who receive consistent care from their mother still need continuous nurturing, love, and care until the children can independently nurture, love, and care for themselves until they reach a point in their lives where they are already capable of giving more and giving back to their mother someday.
In the fifth case, however, ideally, the teen should still receive love, care, and nurturing within the household. But the teen still had to bear being in a kind of household that, unfortunately, shows the opposite of the conditions that he needs. Despite this, the teen has reached a level of maturity to find other means to give and receive consistency outside the household. The recipients of the teen’s consistency were his best friend, teacher, coach, and teammates, who, luckily, could reciprocate the quality of consistency the teen gave them.
In the first case, on the other hand, the Granddaughter already developed the conditions to reciprocate her Grandma’s consistent efforts. She was already capable of giving back to her consistently caring, nurturing, and thoughtful Grandma—as shown by the Granddaughter’s consistent efforts toward her.
How about situations where the consistent person might not yet be open to receiving?
But they didn’t ask me to return anything to them.
When someone “asks,” someone uses speech. And in a speech, someone makes a sound that another can hear. But an action isn’t just a sound—but a movement that another can hear, see, and feel. So, action has more value than speech. If someone supported another person, that someone didn’t ask first if it’s okay to contribute to the other person’s welfare—before supporting. If a person benefited from someone’s consistent actions, that person also didn’t ask first if it’s okay to be a beneficiary—before receiving any benefits from them. In other words, nobody asked anything before giving and receiving. And actions and benefits were already provided and acquired. So if “asking” didn’t have a weight back then, why would it need one now?
But they don’t know how to accept help. All they want is to keep on giving.
Assisting a consistent person to learn receiving consistent efforts doesn’t have to be an overnight miracle. The process may start slowly, yet through patience, consistency, and time; the consistent person would get familiar with and eventually get used to something new to them—like being open to receiving consistent efforts from other people. Returning the consistency similar to the one benefited from might be a good start for giving back. For instance, if a family’s form of consistency consists of material and financial support, by the time the beneficiary reaches the point where they’re also financially and materially capable, the family can receive functional household items, receive help with the bills, or be treated out for dinner occasionally. Or, if it still falls within someone’s means, in a fancy restaurant or on a cruise ship for several days. What matters is that the consistency to reciprocate to the family won’t end with someone having bad anxiety for not knowing how to survive the days after depleting their funds. As long as their earned stability is reasonably at par with the support for the efforts to give back—there won’t be any issue, especially if you have savings to back you up.
But they already have everything in life. I don’t think they would need anything else.
Touché. The giver might “already have everything in life,” especially when the meaning of having “everything in life” involves their life’s material and financial aspects. But to gain that “everything in life,” the giver might also have had to forego a lot of other simple yet emotionally fulfilling things, connections, and activities that others might happen to enjoy—like rest and rejuvenation, bonding with loved ones, doing recreational activities, learning new fun things, and the like. So how about getting creative, introducing, or contributing to anything outside their “everything in life” instead?
3. Consistent in Relationships: Let’s talk about you.
In the fourth case, the wife exemplifies consistent efforts to be an independent woman, a responsible mother, and an understanding wife—all at once. These efforts are genuinely endearing, commendable, and awe-inspiring. But since “the consistent woman,” “the consistent mother,” and “the consistent wife” only belong to one body, that body may happen to reach a point of fatigue due to the continuous work, stress, and lack of rest—that the body might happen to shut down. Even when her mind wants to fight, her body becomes too weak to fight along, so she can’t obey the unforgivingly rigid principle in life: “Mind over matter.” But does it need to come down to this?
No, I’m okay.
Suppose you’re the type of person who feels unworthy of or guilty about receiving help, care, nurturing, or love from anyone. Know that the act of receiving won’t negate, nor question, your heart’s genuineness to give strength to be self-reliant and resilient. Besides, it’s also about acknowledging that you have needs, and just like everyone else, your needs matter. It would be great to allow others to balance the give and take if that’s their intention. If you feel guilty, remember that a parent physically tends, nurtures, and protects an infant. Then, the infant emotionally evolves, nourishes, and strengthens the parent. Like crops to a farmer and a farmer to crops, crops need adequate irrigation, sunlight and air, quality soil and fertilizer, good weather, and strategic planting location and timing, among others—to be tended by the farmer, while the farmer also needs the security of the family’s basic needs, children’s education, and goods for commerce—to be returned by the harvested crops. Just like a fur baby to a fur parent and a fur parent to a fur baby, the fur baby needs nurturing and physical support from the fur parent, and the fur parent needs nurturing and emotional support from the fur baby. These mutually beneficial relationships between objects, conscious or not, can be observed around us. If you still doubt you’re worth receiving anything from a relationship—slow down, breathe, and start looking around.
The bottom line is that receiving is normal, not just giving.
Not anymore.
When someone finally comes back to their senses and realizes how heavily imbalanced, unjust, parasitic, or even toxic a connection has been, or even if they just ran out of anything more to give, they might finally decide to end it. However, they might be surprised to find out that their once “most adored best friend” or “most beloved husband” might turn out to be their “most terrible enemy” real quick.
Why? When a person loses the benefits from the consistency of the consistently giving person, the former will feel the difference to the depths of their being, not subtly nor gradually, but strongly and immediately. It’s not just because they might long for a sound, like missing a speech when someone stops hearing compliments, but because someone might yearn for that action, that might consist a speech when one hears encouraging words, a sight when one sees how much another person do to take care of them—physically, materially, mentally, and emotionally, and the like—or, lastly, the feeling when one feels the genuine and thoughtful gestures letting them know how much they mean to the consistent person. So, from the standpoint of the person benefiting from them, it would be like a table losing one of its four legs; without consistency as its support, it would certainly throw them off-balance.
And if the beneficiary has not yet developed that level of maturity to acknowledge that they didn’t even prove themselves worthy of keeping that superior quality of a connection by maintaining a healthy and balanced give and take—they will look for other reasons to justify the feelings of discomfort—like pitching irrational and irrelevant issues. And if the lack of self-control persists, this may also lead to throwing a fit, holding grudges, exacting revenge, etc.
But to be fair, even the once consistent person may also fall into a bottomless pit of bitterness and lose control—like in endless tallying of every single contribution, big or small, that they can recall within the period in service of the one-sided connection.
Yet both the giver and receiver are responsible for breeding that kind of connection and for prolonging one-sidedness. The recipient of consistency was trained to be heavily dependent, eventually developing a sense of entitlement. In contrast, the consistent person didn’t learn to accept any form of support from others, decisively deny themselves of help, and disregard their personal needs.
Either way, a lack of proper deliberation and good communication between them may permanently damage the connection and create long-term rifts and irreconcilable issues—especially when no one would take the time to calm down, sit with the issue, and figure out—how the situation unfolded before every attending pair of eyes in an honest, just, and fair manner.
D. Final thoughts
With friendships, relationships, and other connections, you become each other’s teacher and student.
You teach them how to give; they teach you how to receive. They learn from you how to give; you learn from them how to receive. If you have a sense of responsibility to be there during tough times, they also have a responsibility to be there for you during tough times. If their material and physiological needs matter to you, your material and physiological needs should also matter to them. If you take the time to listen to them, they should also take the time to listen to you.
Mutual goodwill in terms of consistency in relationships is vital to protect people in friendships and other relationships. It ensures that no one brings little to nothing home, while the other always gets things from the other without needing to return anything.
It’s not just about having good connections but also about proving ourselves worthy—not only of keeping that kind of connection—but mostly of having genuinely consistent people in our lives. A consistent person is like a gem, a rare find, especially nowadays.
Let’s keep them well as they keep us well in relationships. And remember—have a good one!
